Mulla Nasrudin came up and shook hands with the future bridegroom. "Congratulations, friend," he said, "on this, one of the happiest days of your life." "But I am not getting married until tomorrow," said the future bridegroom. "I KNOW," said the Mulla. "THAT'S WHAT MAKES THIS ONE OF YOUR HAPPIEST DAYS."
Mulla Nasrudin's wife said to him at a buffet supper: "That's the fifth time you have gone back for more fried chicken. Doesn't it embarrass you?" "NOT AT ALL," he said. "I KEEP TELLING THEM I AM GETTING IT FOR YOU."
"What in the world happened at the picnic yesterday?" a fellow asked Mulla Nasrudin. "They are saying around the tavern that you acted like a coward." "Well, I am no fool," the Mulla said. "Some of the girls found a big hornet's nest in the top of a tree and dared me to climb up and get it. And I just didn't do it, that's all." "Whether you were smart or not," said the friend, "That sort of thing makes you unhonored and unsung around here." "THAT'S RIGHT," said Nasrudin, "BUT I AM ALSO UNHARMED AND UNSTUNG."
The housewife gave Mulla Nasrudin a sandwich, but asked him, "Haven't you been able to find work?" "Yes, Lady, there is plenty of work," said the Mulla, "but everybody wants a reference from my last employer." "Can't you get one?" she asked. "NO," said Nasrudin. "HE HAS BEEN DEAD TWENTY YEARS."
Mulla Nasrudin was lying beside the wrecked car with a broken leg. He was being questioned by the highway patrolman. "Married?" asked the patrolman. "NO," said Nasrudin. "THIS IS THE WORST MESS I HAVE EVER BEEN IN."
A young man had just passed his examination for his private pilot's license. He wanted to show off and persuaded the Mulla Nasrudin to go up with him. When they landed, the Mulla said: "Thanks for the two rides." "What do you mean,two rides, Uncle?" asked the young man. "You had only one." "Oh no," said Nasrudin. "TWO. MY FIRST AND MY LAST."
A man said to his friend Mulla Nasrudin: "Who is the boss in your house?" "Well," said Nasrudin, "my wife assumes command of the children, the servants, the dog and the parakeet. BUT I SAY PRETTY MUCH WHAT I PLEASE TO THE GOLDFISH."
Mulla Nasrudin approached a genteel-appearing, elderly man with his tale of woe and a request for assistance. The old gentleman refused him, saying, "I am sorry, my friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice." The Mulla said in a disgusted tone, "No thanks, IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY, I DON'T GUESS YOUR ADVICE IS WORTH ANYTHING, SIR."
Mulla Nasrudin was chatting with his master who had taken up art. "When I look at one of your paintings, Sir," he said, "all I can do is stand and wonder." "Wonder how I do it?" asked the master. "No," said Nasrudin. "WHY YOU DO IT."
Mulla Nasrudin reported to the superintendent of the mental hospital and asked: "Have any of your male patients escaped lately?" "Why do you ask? said the superintendent. "BECAUSE, " said the Mulla, "SOMEONE HAS RUN OFF WITH MY WIFE."
The man said to Mulla Nasrudin on the street who had asked him for a handout, "You would stand more chance of getting a job if you would shave and clean yourself up." "Yes, Sir," the Mulla said. "I FOUND THAT OUT YEARS AGO."
The judge was questioning Mulla Nasrudin. "I understand that your wife is scared to death of you," he said. "That's right, your Honor," said the Mulla. The judge leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Man to man," he said, "HOW DO YOU DO IT?"
The lady said to Mulla Nasrudin at the door, "Have you ever been offered work?" "Only once Lady," said Nasrudin. "Aside from that, I HAVE MET WITH NOTHING BUT KINDNESS."
Mulla Nasrudin had just checked into the hotel. "Welcome," said the clerk at the desk. "We want you to know you are welcome. We are going to do everything we can to make you comfortable and help you to feel at home." "PLEASE DON'T," said the Mulla. "I LEFT HOME SO I COULD FIND A CHANGE. FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS I WANT TO FEEL AS IF I AM AT A BEACH RESORT."
Mulla Nasrudin used to say: "Every man should have at least one wife, because there are somethings that just can't be blamed on the government."
The town's richest man had died. The next morning, another rich, and particularly miserly, old man said to Mulla Nasrudin, "I wonder how much he left." Mulla Nasrudin laughed and said, "EVERY CENT OF IT, SIR."
Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were arguing. "I was a fool when I married you," said the wife. "I GUESS YOU WERE," replied Nasrudin, "BUT I WAS SO INFATUATED AT THE TIME, I DIDN'T NOTICE IT."
Mulla Nasrudin got on a double-decker bus and climbed to the upper deck. A few minutes later, he staggered down the steps, muttering to himself. "Is anything the matter?" asked the driver. "IT AIN'T SAFE UP THERE," said Nasrudin. "NO DRIVER."
Mulla Nasrudin was applying for a job. "Does the company pay for my hospitalization?" he asked. "No, you pay for it," the personnel director said. "We take it out of your salary each month." "The last place I worked, they paid for it," said the Mulla. "That's unusual," the personnel man said. "How much vacation did you get?" "Six weeks," replied the Mulla. "Did you get a bonus?" the personnel man asked. "Yes," said the Mulla. "Not only that, they gave us an annual bonus, sent us a turkey on Thanksgiving, gave us the use of a company car and threw a big barbecue for us each year." "Why did you leave?" asked the personnel director. "THEY WENT BUSTED," said Nasrudin.
Mulla Nasrudin was getting ready to apply to a local department store for a job. A friend told him that it was the policy of the store to hire nobody but Catholic Christians, and that if he wanted a job there, he would have to lie about being a Catholic Christian. Nasrudin applied for the job and the personnel man asked him the usual questions. Then he said to the Mulla, "And what church do you belong to?" "I am a Catholic," said Nasrudin. "And all my family are Catholics. IN FACT, MY FATHER IS A PRIEST AND MY MOTHER IS A NUN, SIR."